


Worse Loras

by merrymegtargaryen



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, all humans are lactose intolerant, selyse does soul cycle and we accept that about her
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:54:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24798004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merrymegtargaryen/pseuds/merrymegtargaryen
Summary: Renly and Loras break up. Stannis finds himself trying to get them back together.
Relationships: Renly Baratheon/Loras Tyrell
Comments: 9
Kudos: 56





	Worse Loras

**Author's Note:**

  * For [judypoovey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/judypoovey/gifts).



> This is for Emily, who gave me this idea months ago and I sat on it for a birthday surprise. Happy Birthday, moon of my life!

He gets the call from Selyse while he’s at work.

“Renly’s here,” she says without preamble. It’s one of the traits he most likes about his wife; how without sentiment or nonsense she is. “He and Loras, er, broke up.”

Stannis nearly drops his phone. “They  _ what _ ?”

Something that sounds like the baying of a dog can be heard on the other end of the phone. It takes Stannis a moment to realize that it’s his younger brother crying. 

Selyse clears her throat. “He’s very...broken up about it. I can’t really get anything out of him.”

“But...why is he  _ there _ ?” Stannis wants to know. “What does he want me to do about it?”

Selyse only sounds mildly exasperated. “I think he wants you to  _ listen, _ dear. And we all know you aren’t very fond of Loras.”

“He talks too much. Every time he comes over to dinner I have to listen to his stories. They never end.”

“Yes, dear,” Selyse says gently, “but Renly loved him very much, and now he’s very upset, and I think he needs his big brother.”

Stannis glances at his work computer. He doesn’t like to leave early if he doesn’t have to; how will his employees ever respect him if he leaves during the day? But Renly  _ does _ sound very upset, and Stannis has a feeling that Selyse would appreciate his relieving her. “I’ll leave now.”

“Thank you, dear.”

.

Stannis hasn’t even opened the garage door when he hears Renly’s sobs. Sighing, he braces himself before pushing open the door.

Renly pushes past Selyse to hug Stannis, sobbing into his shoulder. 

“We...broke...up!”

“I’m very sorry,” Stannis says in what he hopes is a sympathetic tone, patting Renly’s back. The shoulder of his suit is becoming damp. “Why don’t we sit down and you can tell me all about it?”

Over a glass of the cabernet Selyse keeps for special occasions, Renly tells Stannis all about his fight with Loras. Or rather, a series of fights that had escalated into one big fight. 

Stannis listens patiently, even though he finds the whole thing tedious. Loras is an idiot, of course, and even if Renly can be a bit grating, he deserves to be with a good person. It seems so obvious to him. Of course they should have broken up, and he says as much to Renly.

“I didn’t realize we had so many problems,” Renly broods. He stopped crying, much to Stannis’s relief, but he keeps sniffling in a way that makes Stannis grind his teeth. “I just don’t know how to live without him. He was my  _ everything. _ He made me into a better person. I’ve changed from the person I was when we first met. How can I go back to being on my own?” He starts to tear up again.

Seizing a distraction from the imminent wave of tears (and the sniffling that will surely follow), Stannis suggests, “Well, perhaps you don’t have to.” 

Renly blinks at him. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, why don’t you try dating people who aren’t Loras?”

Renly considers this. “I don’t know…” he says slowly. “I never really...dated exclusively before Loras. That was one of the things he changed about me.” His eyes water for a moment, but to Stannis’s relief, he blinks back the tears. “But maybe you’re right. Maybe I just need to put myself out there and meet other men.”

“That’s the ticket,” Stannis says, wincing when he hears how cliched it sounds. 

But Renly doesn’t seem to have noticed; he looks very deep in thought, scratching his beard. “Maybe you’re onto something...I wonder if…” He stands up abruptly. “Thanks, Stannis. I think I’ve got it sorted.”

Stannis also rises, flooded with relief. “Are you sure?”

“I think I need to do some self reflection...but I feel a lot better. Thanks, big brother.” Renly embraces his older brother, who wraps his arms around Renly with what he hopes is an appropriate amount of pressure and pats his back. Renly smiles at him and leaves, calling out a goodbye to Selyse as he goes.

Shireen comes down the stairs, poking her face around the corner. “Did Uncle Renly and Uncle Loras really break up?”

“Yes.”

She looks sad. “I liked Uncle Loras. He was always nice to me.”

Selyse sniffs. “If by ‘nice’, you mean ignoring your food sensitivities by taking you out for ice cream--”

“I’m not lactose intolerant!”

“All humans are lactose intolerant!”

“Well I’m not!” Shireen shouts. “And I miss Uncle Loras!” She stomps up the stairs.

Selyse sighs. “She’ll get over it. Once she sees how happy Renly is with someone else, she’ll forget all about Loras. We  _ all _ will.”

Stannis is sure she’s right.

.

To Stannis’s surprise and delight, Renly takes his advice. When the family goes over to Robert’s for a cookout a few weeks later, Renly texts them that he’s bringing a date.

“Uncle Renly has a new boyfriend?” Shireen asks skeptically on the car ride over.

“I think he’s just a date,” Selyse tells her.

Shireen shakes her head, playing on her iPad. “I don’t know. Introducing him to the family? Seems like a boyfriend to me.”

“Even Renly doesn’t move that fast,” Stannis objects, but he secretly wonders if she’s right. It’s only been a few weeks since the breakup, but a family cookout isn’t the sort of thing you bring a casual date to, is it?

When they come around to the back yard, they see Renly with his arm around Loras.

Only, it’s not Loras, Stannis realizes as they get closer; it’s a man who looks exactly like him. Same haircut and color, same build, same propensity for tight shirts. Gods, did Renly really just replace his long-term boyfriend with his doppelganger?

“This is Kyle,” Renly introduces, his arm never leaving Kyle.

“Hello, Kyle,” Selyse says politely. 

Shireen looks at him with a mistrustful expression. “How do you feel about ice cream?”

Kyle’s confusion is evident. “I don’t really like it.”

Shireen’s face grows even more disgruntled. “I’m going to play with Arya.” She leaves the adults, joining her best friend. 

_ Traitor, _ Stannis thinks, unsure of how to disengage himself from the conversation.

Selyse, unfortunately, has no intention of leaving. “So, how did you two meet?”

“The gym,” Kyle says, smiling at Renly. “He took my pilates class.”

Gods be good, Loras teaches a spin class, which is how he’d met Renly. His little brother is really just trying to recreate Loras.

“You should come sometime,” Kyle continues. “I can give you the friends and family discount!”

_ We’re neither, _ Stannis thinks, grinding his teeth. 

“I’m devoted to my Soul Cycle class, but thank you,” Selyse says politely. 

Kyle raises an eyebrow. “You do Soul Cycle?”

“It’s invigorating.” Selyse’s eyes widen with excitement, the way they always do when she talks about her Soul Cycle class. “You should come sometime.”

“Oh, no,” Kyle laughs. “I hear it’s like a cult.”

Stannis grinds his teeth at that. He isn’t fond of the class, either, but it makes Selyse happy.  _ Loras wouldn’t have said that, _ he can’t help thinking.  _ Loras went to that class with Selyse once a month. _

“It was nice meeting you,” Stannis lies, taking Selyse by the arm. “We should say hello to Robert.” He steers his wife away before she says anything rude to Kyle.

“I don’t like him,” she says at once.

“You’ve only just met him.”

“Well, I think he’s rude.”

“He is,” Stannis admits. “But you thought I was rude when we first met.”

“Well, you were.”

“But you married me anyway.”

“True,” she allows. “But he’d better not call my class a cult again.”

“I’ll speak to Renly about it.” 

Robert is grilling with a beer in hand and an ill-fitting apron that reads KISS THE COOK. He lets out a cheerful rumble when he sees his brother and sister-in-law, setting down his tongs to hug them both. “Got veggie burgers on the grill for you,” he tells them, clearly proud of himself for having remembered their (loosely) vegan diet...five years after they adopted it. Progress is progress, Stannis supposes.

“Thank you, Robert, and thank you for hosting this,” says Selyse, ever the gracious guest.

“Ah, I love grilling. Love coming together with family and friends.” He lowers his voice. “What do you think of Loras’s replacement?”

“I don’t like him,” Selyse says at once. “He’s very rude.”

“He’s an adjustment,” Stannis says with a little more tact.

“He’s the same fucking person,” Robert snorts. 

“Well, yes. He’s Loras but worse.” Stannis glances at Renly and Kyle. “Worse Loras.”

.

Stannis doesn’t mean for it to happen, but the nickname sticks. Over the next few weeks, whenever he has to refer to Renly’s new boyfriend, he just calls him Worse Loras. 

Sometimes he feels bad about it; it isn’t Kyle’s fault that he’s just a worse version of Renly’s ex-boyfriend. But then he’s forced to spend time with Kyle and no, he definitely deserves the nickname. 

“He’s rude,” Selyse insists any time he’s mentioned. “So far he’s made fun of my Soul Cycle class, my food, and my taste in clothes.”

“I don’t like him,” Shireen agrees. “He always talks to me like I’m a baby.”

Both allegations are true; Stannis hasn’t failed to note that anything Selyse says or does often meets with mockery on Worse Loras’s end. The old Loras hadn’t much liked Selyse’s food or taste in clothes either, but he’d at least been nice about it, and he’d made an effort to go to her Soul Cycle class once a month. And he’d been good to Shireen; in addition to feeding her covert ice cream, he always made it an event when he and Renly were asked to watch her, putting on fashion shows and making brownies. He would let her watch his favorite reality TV shows, never treating her like a child and instead treating her like a friend. Worse Loras uses a baby voice and patronizingly asks her what she’s learning in school.

And Stannis would be lying if he said he wasn’t irritated with Worse Loras, too. He’s tried to be cordial to the other man, but no matter what, Worse Loras always gives him odd looks and talks to him like he’s talking to a stupid person. He reminds Stannis of the children in school who knew he was different and thought he was too stupid to see that they knew. 

So he keeps referring to the other man as Worse Loras, so much so that he slips and does it in front of Robert one day. His older brother finds it hilarious...so much so that he tells Renly about it.

Which is how Stannis comes home to find an angry Renly in his living room.

“Do you really call Kyle ‘Worse Loras’?” he demands before Stannis has shut the door behind him.

Stannis glances around for Selyse or Shireen, but neither of them are around to get him out of this one.

_ Traitors. _

“Sometimes,” he hedges. 

“Why?”

“Well.” Stannis gestures vaguely. “He looks just like Loras.”

Renly frowns. “No he doesn’t.”

Stannis rolls his eyes. “Yes he does. Same hair. Same build. He even even teaches a gym class like Loras.”

“Okay, that’s not...they’re not…” Renly’s frown deepens. “Well...I guess I can see why you’d think they’re...similar. But what do you mean by  _ worse _ ?”

Stannis sighs. “I mean that he’s a worse version of Loras. He looks like him and has a similar job, but he’s not as nice as Loras. He’s rude to Selyse, and he talks to Shireen like she’s an infant. And he thinks I’m stupid.”

“No he doesn’t,” Renly says, so quickly that Stannis knows he’s lying. 

He decides to switch tactics. “I understand that breaking up with Loras was difficult, and it’s natural you’d find someone with similar...characteristics. But I think you should ask yourself if you’re trying to find a partner who makes you happy, or a partner who can replace Loras.”

Renly considers this. His shoulders sag. “You’re right. As usual.”

That surprises Stannis. He  _ knows _ he’s always right, but he didn’t know Renly knew that, too. 

“I need to think about this,” Renly continues. “Thank you for your honesty, big brother.”

“Of course.”

Renly hugs him. “I’ll sort this out. I promise.”

“I believe you.”

.

Less than two hours later, Renly texts Stannis.

_ I broke up with Kyle. _

Stannis shows the text to Selyse, who raises her eyebrows. “Well...that’s good, isn’t it?”

“I suppose.” He texts back,  _ Is everything okay? _

Renly responds immediately.  _ Yes. I thought about what you said, and you’re right. Talk soon. _

Stannis leans back in his chair, relieved. “Well...Worse Loras is gone.”

“Thank God,” Selyse sighs. “Maybe now we can get back to normal.”

.

Things do get back to normal for a couple of weeks. Renly seems a little down, but it’s nice to have just Renly around instead of Renly and Worse Loras.

“I still miss Uncle Loras,” Shireen confides when Stannis picks her up from a sleepover at Renly’s. 

“Uncle Renly will find a new boyfriend soon. A better one,” Stannis reassures her.

She shakes her head, never taking her eyes from her iPad. “No one is better than Uncle Loras.”

Stannis sighs. “I know you miss him. He was fun. He gave you ice cream and let you watch  _ Keeping Up with the Lannisters. _ But Uncle Renly is trying to move on, and so should we.”

“Uncle Renly is  _ not _ moving on,” Shireen huffs. “I was playing on his phone while he was making dinner and I saw his Grindr--”

Stannis nearly wrecks the car. “You saw his  _ what _ ?”

“I know what Grindr is, Dad,” she says, annoyed. 

Stannis nearly has a conniption. “Shireen, there is adult content on that app--”

“Oh, calm down! It wasn’t anything like that. It was just some guy he was talking to. He looks like Uncle Loras.”

Stannis grips the steering wheel. “Really?”

“Yes. So I went to look at his inbox--”

“Shireen, I’m about to have an aneurysm--”

“--and all the guys he’s talking to are like Uncle Loras. Blond twunks.”

“Why on earth do you know what a twunk is?”

“Why do  _ you? _ ”

“When you’ve known your Uncle Renly as long as I have, some things are inescapable,” Stannis says dryly...but he is troubled. Not just at Shireen looking at Renly’s Grindr, but also at the apparent contents of that Grindr. Maybe Renly really isn’t moving on. 

.

His suspicions are confirmed when, less than a week later, Robert calls him. 

“Renly came by to get a screwdriver,” he says as soon as Stannis picks up the phone. “And he had another Loras with him.”

“Another one?” Stannis asks, spirits sinking. 

“Yep. Could’ve sworn it  _ was _ Loras, but this one has a neck tattoo.”

Stannis shudders.

“You’ve got to talk to him, Stan.”

“Me?” Stannis asks indignantly. “Why don’t  _ you _ talk to him?”

“Because he doesn’t listen to me. He visits me when he wants to drink beer, watch the game, and shoot the shit. He visits you when he wants help.” Robert’s voice softens. “I wasn’t a very good big brother growing up, I know that. Renly sees me as a friend. He sees  _ you _ as his big brother he can rely on.”

Stannis pinches the bridge of his nose. “I suppose you’re right. I’ll figure it out.” He hangs up, rubbing his temple as he feels a headache coming on.

Selyse looks up from her knitting. She’s very bad at it, but everyone patiently endures her hats, scarves, and mittens because they love her. Currently, she’s working on something that Stannis thinks is supposed to be either a very large scarf or a very small blanket. “What is it?”

“Renly is dating another Loras.”

Now it’s Shireen’s turn to look up, her attention drawn from the homework she’s supposed to be doing. “I told you so.”

“I know. But I don’t know what to do.”

“Well, it’s obvious, isn’t it?” Shireen asks. “You’ve got to get Uncle Renly and Uncle Loras back together.”

Selyse makes a small huffing sound. “Don’t be silly, Shireen.”

“I’m not! Uncle Renly isn’t over Uncle Loras, and I bet Uncle Loras isn’t over Uncle Renly.”

Stannis considers this. “Why  _ did _ they break up, anyway?”

“Renly didn’t say?”

“He said they’d been having little arguments that turned into one big one, but he didn’t say what it was about.”

“Why don’t you ask him?”

But Stannis has a better idea.

.

Stannis never thought he’d be glad to see Loras’s face, but when the other man enters the coffee shop, Stannis could practically bounce in his seat. Instead, he restrains himself to a wave, getting Loras’s attention. The blond nods and puts in his coffee order before joining Stannis.

Stannis clears his throat. “Thank you for meeting me here.”

“No problem.” Loras is looking at him suspiciously. “Why did you want to?”

Stannis takes a deep breath. “I want to know why you and Renly broke up.”

“He didn’t tell you?” 

“He just said you’d been fighting.”

“Well, yes.” Loras rolls his eyes. “He found a gray hair in his beard.”

Stannis stares at him. “That’s...why you’ve been fighting?”

“Well, it was the start.” Loras thanks the barista as she sets his coffee in front of him. “I mean, you know how the men in your family have the worst temper tantrums? He completely flipped out, saying he’s so old now, and I was going to leave him for a younger man. Honestly I was surprised. I kept telling him I wasn’t going to leave him, and I thought he calmed down, but he kept bringing it up over the next few weeks. And then one day he said he looked just like Robert did when he was younger, and if he turned into Robert, I was going to leave him, and I was sort of fed up with it at that point so I told him--sarcastically, mind you--that if he turned into Robert I  _ would _ leave him, and it turned into this big fight and then he said I should go, so I packed my things and left.” Loras shrugs. “I’ve tried getting in touch with him, but he won’t answer. I figured he didn’t care about me anymore.”

“Nothing could be further from the truth,” Stannis assures him. “He’s been dating your clones.”

Loras frowns. “My clones?”

“Yes. Worse Lorases. They’re like you, but worse.”

“...huh.”

“Do you still love him?” Stannis asks.

Loras gets a fierce look on his face. “When the sun has set, no candle can replace it.”

“I’m taking that as a yes.”

“Yes.”

“Please take him back,” Stannis begs. “We miss you. Renly most of all, but we  _ all _ miss you. Shireen hasn’t had a McFlurry in weeks.”

Loras stares at him. “Did you just make a joke?!”

Stannis winces. “I made an attempt.”

Loras laughs in amazement. “I’m honored beyond words right now. Stannis Baratheon made a joke for  _ me _ !” His smile fades. “I’d love to take him back, honestly, but how can I do that if he won’t talk to me?”

“We’ll ambush him. I’ll invite him over and you two can talk.”

Loras considers this. “That would be incredible, actually.” He sips his coffee. “I have to admit, Stan, I’m surprised you’re going to this much effort. I know you don’t exactly like me.”

Stannis breathes deeply. “While it’s true I was not overly fond of you when we first met, and I got along with you for Renly’s sake more than anything, you make my family very happy and that makes me very happy. I will never understand the slang you use, nor will I ever understand your taste in alcohol, clothes, or tv shows, but Renly loves you, Shireen adores you, Selyse appreciates you, and even Robert is fond of you. So in that sense, I do like you, Loras.”

Loras presses a hand to his heart. “That is the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me, Stannis.”

“Yes, well, don’t get used to it.”

Loras smiles. “Well, let’s go get Renly back.”

.

When Stannis texts Renly asking him to come over and watch Shireen for a bit, Renly heads over without hesitation. 

“Hey Stan!” he says when he comes through the door. “I came as soon as I could--” He stops short when he sees Loras. Then he turns accusing eyes on Stannis. “What is this?”

“Loras still loves you,” Stannis says calmly. “And I know you’re still in love with him.”

Renly begins to tear up. “But...you left.”

“You  _ told _ me to leave!” Loras says, exasperated.

“You said you would leave if I turned into Robert!”

“Well, I would, but you’re not going to.” Loras rolls his eyes. “Every woman Robert’s ever been with has left him. The man has  _ deep _ issues; you keep telling him to go to therapy and he won’t listen.”

“I meant physically!”

“Physically?” Loras is confused. “Well, for starters, you  _ won’t _ turn into Robert, because the man hasn’t exercised in twenty years and eats nothing but steak and nacho flavored Doritos. But even if you were to turn into a bear, you know I’d still be attracted to you.”

Renly cries harder. “Really?”

“Yes, really! Now dump my replacement so we can get back together!”

Renly and Loras embrace; Stannis turns away to give them some privacy and sees Shireen peering at them from the stairs.

“Does this mean we can get ice cream?” she stage whispers.

Stannis motions for her to be quiet, but Loras wipes away his tears and says, “Yes, of  _ course _ we can get ice cream!”

Now it’s Selyse’s turn to peer over the stairs, frowning. To Stannis’s surprise, she says, “Well...just this once, I suppose.”

Shireen shouts in glee, running to her uncles; they take her hands and head out to Renly’s car, where Stannis knows they are going to buy her the biggest M&M McFlurry they can.

“You did a good thing,” Selyse tells him as they watch Renly back out of the driveway. 

“Yes. I love my brother, but he can be a bit…”

“Blind when it comes to his emotions?”

“I was going to say thick. Do you know, the most recent Loras had a  _ neck tattoo? _ ”

Selyse pales. “Thank God you intervened when you did.”

_ “I know.” _


End file.
